I am currently a few days in to a two-week long cleanse/detox diet. It’s incredibly strict, but I’m determined to make it work. It’s not easy, though, and that’s why I’m writing this post. Warning: incoming personal confessions. If you are only interested in WoW stuff, you can definitely skip this post.
This has nothing to do with worries over “size”. I’m not entirely pleased with my body, but in all honesty – I’m not sure if that’s something I’m likely to ever be again. I was almost happy with myself a few years ago. However, I also almost killed myself getting there. Literally.
When I was 24, I was engaged. Our relationship was “fine”, but his interest in anything physical was lacking. Of course, I blamed myself – maybe if I was more perfect, he would want me more. So I aimed for “perfect”. I was exercising to the point of burning 3k plus calories every day, and only eating enough to keep me from falling over. It amounted to a couple hundred calories. I would buy specific low-calorie bread. The lowest calorie yogurt cups. Even coffee was carefully counted against what I would allow myself in a day.
It worked in the sense that I lost a bunch of weight that I didn’t need to lose. I was literally starving myself, and how I escaped without long-term damage to my body is beyond me. What it didn’t do was make that relationship any better. C’est la vie.
Most of you reading this know that I still have fairly bad eating habits. But I eat when I’m hungry. I don’t worry about knowing the *exact* caloric content of my food, and I don’t count. I’ll even grab a slice of pizza if I want it.
But that’s the tough part of this cleanse – forcing myself to eat regular meals. And snack. I’m supposed to eat three meals a day, and snack in between. Yesterday, I managed to get to 2 meals. I munched on some random fruit and veggies during the day as much as I could. Eating breakfast is not easy. I have always – even growing up – had a tough time eating when I wake up artificially (ie: to an alarm). Breakfast yesterday took me over an hour to get through, and my oatmeal and blueberries concoction is still sitting next to me as I struggle to type this.
It’s been interesting for me to see all of this unfold. I didn’t realize just how much I’d have to force myself to eat while doing this. I knew it would be drastically different, but with having some veggie snacks at the office, I don’t even want to eat “lunch” when I get home from work. That is always my one main meal of the day. I get home from work, and I eat. It was a tough sell yesterday. I did it, though, because I knew that I had to get that “meal” in there, but…
So this is me right now. I’m fighting my body to try and do something healthy, and that’s probably harder than *desperately* wanting caffeine. Or a cookie. Or something other than a vegetable. It’s the emotional reaction to seeing just how tough this is for me to do – not because the diet is so strict, but because I have to work so much on the eating schedule. And still only “almost” get there. But I’m trying my best. I figure if I can at least stick to the allowed foods, this cleanse will be a win.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go drink one of the million litres of water I’m supposed to drink in a day. 🙂