When you just “can’t do it”

Combine general life blah, the recent amazingly crappy stuff in game, along with a socially anxious persona to start with and you’ve got a girl who can’t even bring herself to log on to TOR right now.

As in, the very idea of logging on to raid this evening is pushing me towards an anxiety attack. Which is a new thing for me.

Not the anxiety attacks — but typically those are reserved for real life situations. Like having to be around people who aren’t in my comfort circle.

Gaming is kinda my safe-haven from that. Nobody is going to step too far in to my space bubble and make me want to cower in a corner. Until now, apparently. TOR still has the taint of guildie betrayal, and as weird as that may sound to some people, it’s very real for me. And it’s manifesting itself in a huge, giant ball of icky anxiety related to the game.

So this really sucks. WoW, TOR – those are places I retreat to for safe social interaction. Aside from people I actually know in real life that I game with, there are people very near and dear to me that I may have not met in person, but care about deeply. People who I choose to raid with because I enjoy the group activity. It’s FUN.

TOR hasn’t recovered for me yet. Not enough to get past this mental block. I won’t even open Mumble. I’m hiding on my personal vent server, which only select people have access to for a reason. It’s another safe haven.

Folks may think I’m weird. I think I know where my stress limits are. And I take care not to push them.

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